Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
