i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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