I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
