If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
