So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
