Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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