She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
