i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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