Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
the liver wants what the liver wants
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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