my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
