I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
