We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
wanna go halves on a baby?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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