when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
