Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
