he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
