i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
