You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
