new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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