so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
