I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
