i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
