dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
