Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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