true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
