A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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