you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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