After last night, I could never be a politician.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
