remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
