i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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