We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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