Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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