Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
