I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
