i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
