good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
