I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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