There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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