blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
