A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
