She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
