Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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