I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
