woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
