Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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