Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
