i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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