She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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