Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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