I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
