I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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