So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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