So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You ruined the universe
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
