we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
