Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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