butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
