a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
